Therese Bouchard of Beyond
Blue had a gem earlier this month I must have missed. It was on Suicidal
Ideation.
I think I am the Queen of Suicidal Ideation. Right now I
have my ibook on my lap, a razor next to me. I want to pick it up, go into the
bathtub and play with it. What is stopping me from that? I am writing this,
fast, furiously, hoping among hope I can stay busy until the feeling passes and
I can put the blade away without any cuts or blood to my person. But oh! It
would be so tempting to just pick it up, go into the bath tub, strip down to my
underwear, crawl into the tub, run a little hot water so that one delicious vein
in my wrist will show, and cut deep.
But what stops me is what if I screw
up, and only destroy a tendon. Not loose enough blood to sanguinate? That is
one. But if I mess up and can never use my hands again? I gotta fight
it.
And in fighting it, fighting this feeling, I could take Mike
Tyson and Muhammad Ali down with one hand tied behind my back. I have been
doing this most of my life, since my first attempt at four.
I have
learned various tricks to stop it when it hits, write. Write as if your heart is
breaking and just keep writing. Don't proof read, just write/type as fast as you
can, and when you are in a better frame of mind, proof read, or destroy the
manuscript.
Another trick I have learned is to take an ice cold bath.
Don't know why but it works. Another trick is to smoke- this probably won't work
for everyone but for some reason after a few cigarettes, I feel stable. It must
be the nicotine.
Sometimes the feeling comes and goes quickly, in
minutes. Sometimes it goes on for days and weeks like it did when I wrote this
to Liz Spikol, who
was kind enough to print it. Three weeks ago my mother phoned me and I was
crying, begging her to let me come over and pick up the rifle my dad has. That
is a rifle for game, not people. It doesn't even have ammo, and hasn't been used
in over 40 years. I got over that by staying in the apartment, until it passed.
I don't drive. I try to identify what triggers, if any made me get Existential
and want to x myself out of existence.
It's not that I want to die. I
want to stop living. I want the pain- whether it would be real or imaginary, to
stop. What is painful to me, may not, as triggers and thoughts go, be the same
for another. For me, it's broken dreams. The realization I peaked at 23, and the
life I wanted never would happen.Wishing when i was 22 and had a chance to have
my novel published, I choked. From that point on, my writing and my career
dreams went down the toilet. Other things, the fact I am not a mother, that
ranks pretty high. Seeing couples being happy and being in love, makes me want
to stab myself in the heart and rip it out like an auto-sacrifice of my own in a
mock Aztec fashion. Only I would continue to live, without the heart. It's not
a big deal because I think honestly I am living that way now.
I still
feel like I want to go into that good night, not sure if I will hit the publish
button or delete. Maybe should try to sleep a bit? Lie down and arrange the
pandas in the bed with me. With a bit of luck, the striped one will finish her
nocturnal rounds and snuggle. She is my saving grace, my saviour. She leans up
near me so close I can hear her breathe, and feel the fur against my naked leg.
And it soothes me.
I know I will pray as I do most every evening of my
life to not wake up in them morning. To learn if you dream you are falling and
you really hit bottom and don't wake up. If a heart attack really hurts. And I
have trepidation because I am such a loner and introvert it could be days if not
a whole week before they find me. So what ever it is, will be. There are some
things I can change, and other things I cannot and I need the courage to know
the difference. And dying, no matter how tempting it seems, isn't. Not now. Not
ever.
http://ifyouregoingthoughhellkeepgoing.blogspot.com/2009/09/on-suicidal-ideation.html
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